As we grieve fallen soldiers on this Memorial Day, I would like to dedicate this post to people everywhere who have a family history that was touched by war.
Some may not realize the roots of Memorial Day stem from the tradition of decorating graves from the Civil War (Decoration Day), a war that almost tore the country apart. Considering the upheaval and conflict in the country, it is fitting to remember the Civil War disaster and what it took to unite people and ensure freedom along with remembering similar themes from subsequent world wars. As Goethe said, “He who cannot draw on three thousand years is living hand to mouth.”
Ideally, remembering would be enough yet history often repeats itself—and the colloquial definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting different results. Why is remembering not enough?
As a therapist—and veteran, military brat, and descendant of WW II traumatized survivors—I have studied and long been fascinated by the generational transmission of trauma and grief from war that has transformed people and families in unknown ways. In fact, I think a lot of family conflict, abuse, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse stems from traumas from the wars that scarred our ancestors.
When left unprocessed (which was common for centuries and still is, especially among military personnel), grief and trauma can come out as abuse, detachment (emotionally shutting down), unconscious fear, and escapism (through substances, workaholism, excess screen time, etc.). Moreover, sometimes some family members tend to hold the excess emotions that other family members have discarded while others may become the rebellious scapegoats. Thus, each particular family member unconsciously plays out a familiar role that has been echoed in previous generations. Doing a family genogram—a type of family tree that documents relationships, careers, and psychological patterns—can eerily reveal how entrenched roles are recycled through the generations. The good news is that patterns can be changed.
While a therapist might work with an individual and family on genograms and processing grief and trauma in their lives and from those inherited by previous generations, it is not new. Many indigenous cultures have had a strong relationship with their ancestors and practice ancestral healing. They do not try to discard where they came from. Instead, they hold reverence and respect and offer prayers and rituals to earlier family members in the belief that ancestral pain may be a cause of one’s current pain.
With that shared, I am not sure how many people in America know their ancestral history. I take note that this day is often celebrated with festive barbeques, echoing that people have forgotten and perhaps that they don’t want to look closer. Perhaps forgetting represents the detachment and numbing effect of prior trauma. “Why look back when you can keep moving forward?”
My answer is that looking back and understanding can facilitate forgiveness and associated peace and compassion. Looking back can foster empathy and allow one to release old wounds stored in the DNA and inherited neural programming. Looking back can also reveal some heroes, role models, and powerful lessons. Looking back can empower your future and future generations, especially when you share lessons from your family history with your children.
For me, looking back helped me understand how my paternal grandfather was traumatized by WWII and his time on the USS Indianapolis (which was referenced in the movie, “Jaws” and famous because it was torpedoed and 576 men were eaten by sharks until the remaining 316 people were rescued four days later). My grandparents had a terrible divorce which scarred my mother in many unfathomable ways that led her to acting out in my childhood. Meanwhile, my father’s parents were prisoners of war and I grew up hearing abhorrent stories from my grandfather while my grandmother passed somewhat young from cancer on my father’s birthday.
Here is the takeaway. I was in a foster home for a short time because my parents were charged with child abuse. I know this deeply affected my brother and sister—and their children who faced similar and most likely worse experiences. I am horrified and saddened to have witnessed this. I do not share this in any way to dishonor my family. It took a lifetime for me to process and heal from these wounds and to be able to admit some of these secret parts of my upbringing. I deeply love my family and ache that deep wounds have repeated themselves. I sit in meditation and prayer for them daily and also try to practice ancestral healing. I do not blame anyone in my family. I do blame wars though. That is why I dedicate this post to the families on this Memorial Day as I think there are more losses than we realize. I hope this inspires reflection and healing for others.
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