In my last post, I promised to write about how we teach people to treat us. I remember a doctor friend told me this when I was young and I can still recall how mystified I was by that remark. How could we teach a bully not to be mean? Or how can we teach an addict to not use?
Well, anyone who knows an addict knows the pain of not being able to change their behavior. Hopefully they have also learned the lesson of enforcing boundaries. A lot has been written about boundaries. Books have focused solely on the topic.
There are books about boundaries with children and how to teach them boundaries. There are books on boundaries with your boss, colleagues and the people who work for you. There are boundaries for friends, neighbors and social groups. There are boundaries with romantic partners and spouses (lots get written about this topic!). And there are boundaries with yourself.
To give an oversimplified definition, boundaries help you recognize the differences between other people’s feelings and behaviors and yours. Coupled with that is having a firm grasp of your feelings, your values, and behaving in accordance with those values.
Having healthy boundaries involves knowing that we can impact others, yet we are not responsible for other people’s feelings. We are responsible for our feelings. When each of us takes responsibility for our feelings then it is up to us what to accept and what not to accept from another person.
We can drop the rope in a tug of war game and simply walk away. Remaining in the struggle is our decision. If we get rope burns on our hands then that is our fault for remaining in the game—or for not getting gloves.
Relationships are the same. We can stand there in a muddy game of tug of war while feeling exhausted, bitter, and sore from bloody hands and blame the other person for perpetuating the struggle, yet aren’t we remaining engaged?
This is where some relationship guidelines help because sometimes we are reinforcing bad behavior and teaching people not to treat us with dignity and respect.
If you are being treated poorly by someone, it helps to ask yourself some questions:
- Am I treating them poorly?
- Do they treat others differently than they treat me?
- What about this behavior is causing me so much grief and distress?
- What am I not getting in the interaction that I would like?
- How important is this relationship to me?
- Can I walk away from this relationship?
- Is there any part of me that treats myself in a similar manner as this person is treating me? (For instance, if they don’t listen, is it at all possible there are parts of yourself that you ignore? If they are bullying you, do you engage is silent self-ridicule and self-attack?)
- Do I like and respect my responses and reactions to them? What could I change in my behavior that would make me like and respect myself more?
- Is there anything this struggle is teaching me? Is there anything I can take from this interaction that I can appreciate and that can help me grow?
Cultivating healthy boundaries with others becomes a little easier once these questions are answered.
Many people who have been victimized (either through mental or physical abuse, bullying, neglect, and/or who have survived a trauma like a rape, war, mass shooting, fire, or other traumatic event) tend to experience higher rates of boundary violations from others. The phenomenon is known as revictimization. It makes me sad because some of the kindest and most compassionate people have repeatedly suffered at the hands of more insensitive people and narcissistic bullies. It doesn’t seem fair.
What I have found is a little lie was buried deep down inside that the person falsely believes and introjects from the first victimization experience. The lie says you aren’t worth and that’s why this has happened to you.
If I could wave a magic wand and eliminate all those hidden seeds of lies buried within multitudes of beautiful suffering Souls, I would. Oh, how I wish I could.
For now, what I can offer are these articles (and my sincerest healing prayers). Please honor yourself by answering the above questions. See if you can find any remnants of hidden lies that make you put up with bad behavior. Be kind to yourself and try to stop bullying yourself (you know, that nonstop internal voice that puts you down). You are worthy. You are worth it.
Some Guidelines to Remember as You Practice Boundaries
- While you’re learning how to be kind and loving to yourself, practice being lovingly firm with others. Don’t be afraid to say no. (But beware of the tendency to say yes in order to please others and then bailing out later.)
- Listen to your Intuition. It’s okay if it’s hard to do as that’s normal when you haven’t trusted yourself in a long time. Just be patient with yourself and keep practicing.
- Surround yourself with at least a few people that truly understand and care about you and provide support. (Don’t be afraid to have a group of friends that offer varying levels of support and/or are buddies in certain activities as no one person can be all things to someone. Try not to wear one friend down. Conversely, don’t isolate and practice reaching out to others if you have the tendency to withdrawal.)
- Be brave as you develop boundary muscles. It can feel downright scary and unfamiliar at first. Over time, however, you’ll get stronger and more confident.
- Try not to go to extremes by becoming a bully. Or a dismissive and insensitive arse.
- Honor yourself by taking the time to pause and re-group. Practice responding from a place of strength and truth versus reacting from a place of fear and defensiveness.
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